Mindset Moments

We’ve all heard the phrase people pleaser.

Some of us we openly admit we are one, others like to fight that term or maybe see it a different way.

What does the label even mean anyway? Well there's a whole heap of traits that we might recognise in ourselves that get attached to this label...probably too many to mention here but essentially, they are things that mean we'd rather put our own needs, views and desires to one-side rather disappointing, confronting or letting someone else down.

But here’s the thing: the label itself often misses the point.

Because underneath it, there’s usually something much more human going on.

Why do we “people please” at all?

At its simplest, it comes down to the simple fact that us humans...well we're wired for connection. A sense of belonging kept our ancestors alive, so it makes sense that we sometimes bend ourselves out of shape to keep relationships smooth and avoid rejection.

For some, it starts young...learning that love or safety came when they behaved, helped, or stayed quiet. For others, it’s reinforced in work cultures that reward the always available, always willing, always agreeable team player.

And yes, I guess part of it is coping: avoiding conflict, smoothing over bubbling tensions, dodging the guilt bullet. But I don't think that’s the whole story.

Certainly for me there’s also a very real satisfaction in being useful, being relied upon, being the person who makes things better. Being of service and generous feels good to me.

The trap is when that becomes our default identity, where our own needs, opinions, or dreams begin to vanish or get put on the back-burner in the process.

When “helping” hurts

I can remember from my corporate days that the corporate world always loved a pleaser (I'm sure you can tell me if you're in that environment if it still does), you know: the one who says yes to extra projects, steps in when deadlines loom and smooths the team dynamic and tensions. And in the short term, it works...until it doesn’t.

The costs can easily pile up:

• Exhaustion and overwhelm from carrying too much.

• Frustration when unspoken resentment builds.

• Loss of confidence in our own ideas (because we’re too busy backing everyone else’s).

• Relationships that look harmonious on the surface but lack real honesty or boundaries.
  
  

"Don't be afraid of losing people, but be afraid of losing yourself trying to make everyone happy" — Unknown 

So let's look at a few practical tactics to break free: