Mindset Moments

The thing that makes this particular feeling so hard to deal with...is that there often isn't anything obviously wrong.

You're not in crisis. You're functioning pretty well, thank you very much. You've done sensible things, made reasonable choices, built a life that ticks most of the boxes. From the outside, it all looks pretty solid.

And yet there's this low hum. A kind of persistent "hmm" in the background (not the tinnitus hum....if you think it's that, well it's time to chat to your doctor!).

You're not miserable all the time, you're not prone to the dramatics....you're just...off.

Most people wouldn't notice. You're probably hiding it well, but you know there is this underlying question bubbling to the surface again and again. But you feel as if things aren't crystal clear anymore, your in a sort of mist of numbness when it comes to feeling fulfilled in your work or life.

Of course, because nothing is obviously wrong, it's incredibly easy to tell yourself you're being silly. You find yourself saying internally "stop being so ungrateful" or '"t's just a phase it will pass". So you busy yourself, you keep going, you scroll through the numbness, you tell yourself you'll think about it "when things calm down", you distract yourself with another Netflix series. The thing is, it rarely goes away, things don't calm down and you just get better at not thinking about it.

Why this tends to get louder in your 40s and 50s

I talk to a lot of people who are in this exact place. And quite often, they're in their mid-to-later working life. Experienced, successful by most people's measures and it's the time when it's as if they've just come up for air.

Because for the last couple of decades, there wasn't really time to ask the question. You were building, proving, progressing, providing...head down, must keep going. There's a mortgage and a career, possibly a family too, promotions and about 47 other things that require your immediate attention, so the question gets shelved.

But at some point the pace shifts slightly. Perhaps your role changes, maybe the kids leave home, or you have a health scare. It could be that you simply hit a milestone birthday that makes you unexpectedly thoughtful. Or you just...run out of reasons to keep shelving it.

Suddenly you notice the question is still there...it's been patiently waiting (buffering in the background), it didn't actually go anywhere.

This isn't a midlife crisis, by the way. I want to say that clearly because I think that phrase does enormous damage. It makes people feel embarrassed, or worse still a failure, about something that is actually just wisdom arriving at the door and knocking on it loudly and annoyingly, until you have to actually answer it.

It's as if your subconscious brain, after years of doing what was expected, finally getting a word in edgeways.

What the question is actually asking

When I work with people who are sitting with this feeling, something interesting comes up almost every time.

They think the question is asking them to blow their life up.

To quit their job. To up-sticks and leave. To make some enormous, terrifying change that will mean starting everything from scratch and probably explaining to various family members why you've had some kind of "episode."

But that's almost never what it's actually asking.

What it's usually asking is something a lot quieter and gentler.

Are you paying attention to yourself?

Because the fine-but-wrong feeling isn't usually one huge thing. It's an accumulation of small drifts. Places where what you're doing and what you actually value have quietly moved apart over time.

A career that made perfect sense at 32 that doesn't quite fit who you are at 52. Days that are full but they're just not satisfying anymore. Success that looks right but doesn't feel right. A version of yourself that you've been meaning to reconnect with for a while.

These aren't dramatic, but they are real and they do matter. Oh and they don't fix themselves by being ignored by the way. I know...I've been there....quietly ignoring all the signals that something wasn't right for me anymore.

So what do you actually do with it?

First: don't panic. And definitely don't make any major decisions while you're still in the "hmm" phase.

What you can do, and what I think is genuinely useful, is to get curious rather than anxious. Stop treating the question as a problem and start treating it as information.

Because it is vital information, it's your own intelligence telling you something is worth paying attention to.

I think a good place to start is by simply taking an honest look at where things actually are...across your whole life, not just the obvious bits. Not just work, not just the noisy in your face elements. All of it.

A simple but practical tool I came across years ago, that you may well have already heard of, is called the Wheel of Life. I often use it with the people I work with as a sort of starter for ten / scene setter. I've made a free version available for you to download and work through yourself. It's not complicated, it's just a clear, reflective tool that tends to surface things you already knew, but hadn't quite looked at directly yet.

Worth 20 quiet minutes of your time with a decent cup of tea in hand.

Download the free Wheel of Life here →

Three other things worth trying before you do anything else

You don't need a big plan right now. You just need to start paying attention. Here are three small things that tend to open things up:

None of these require a big decision. They just require a little honesty, which, in my experience, is usually the hardest and most useful part.

And if you want a proper conversation about it

Sometimes a workbook is a great start, but sometimes what you actually need is a conversation with someone who isn't your partner, your best friend, or anyone who might have an opinion about what you should do.

Just someone to think it through with, where they have no agenda except helping you get clearer.

That's coaching. And if any of this resonates, I'd love to have that conversation with you.

No pressure, no sales pitch, no being told what to do. I always offer a free 30-minute intro to coaching call where we can have a proper think together and work out if it might help.

Book a free introductory call here →

A final thought

So if the quiet question has been showing up for you lately, try not to shush it (I've now got an image of you in my mind with your fingers in your ears, your eyes closed and your chanting "not listening, not listening").

Just remember that it's not a sign something is wrong with you. It's a sign that something in you is paying attention, and that, in my experience, is always worth listening to.

"The quieter you become, the more you can hear." ~ Ram Dass

And from me: "the quiet question isn't something to silence. It's something to get curious about. It usually knows something worth knowing."

Remember, if you’re curious, you can book a FREE introductory call below.